August 1, 2008

The Birth of Vision Ministry

For a long time I struggled emotionally. You can blame genetics. You can blame my parents. You can blame this “Super Woman” society that we live in. I've just been completely overwhelmed about everything and nothing at all. Stupid stuff. Looking back, most of it wasn’t even worth stressing about at all. My grandmother told me a little poem when my older son was born that said, “Quiet down cob webs, dust go to sleep. I’m rocking my babies…because babies don’t keep.” The short of it is that they won’t ever remember if my kitchen floor was spotless, but they will remember the time that I took them to the Splash Pad and ran through the fountains with them (and then promptly fell and busted my rear in front of everyone).

One time I stressed out because I am not in the top 15% of my class. But really, I have a 3.8 GPA, I work FT, school is FT, I have three kids (one of which has ADHD - as much as I hate that overly applied label...I've come to accept it for him but he still is not exempt from behaving properly), husband, and church (although I wasn't going like I should have been). To that mix I wanted to add CASA.

I started to realize that I am seeing it and wanting to volunteer at CASA out of an obligation (but for those considering and that have the time and energy to do it, it is a WORTHY organization). I feel obligated because I was abused as a child and no one stepped in. While that's not necessarily a bad reason, I can't say it is the right reason to get involved. I need to WANT to do it because I WANT to do it and not because I feel it is an obligation in a negative sense.

THEN for the last two weeks during that time all I heard was, "Why don't you go to law school? All you need to do is take the LSAT. I know you could make it." Over and over and over from a co-worker and my boss. Then grandpa died (not completely unexpected). I thought surely this is NOT what God had in store to bring my dream of a new birth of some kind to pass. My pregnant co-worker was in it too and it didn't make any sense and didn't "add up" that she gave birth and grandpa passed away a few days prior to her giving birth. I know that death can be a new birth and a healing, but it just didn't make SENSE TO ME.

So I was researching law schools here in OK and the LSAT. The law school part wasn't too overwhelming until I saw that I would be repeating some classes I've had during my three year quest to get a four year degree. I get bored doing that kind of thing. I'm sure that it would be more in depth, but still.... I looked at a book at Univ. of Alabama's online library at a prepping for the LSAT book. Talk about SCARY. I was okay with the reading and some of the logic games. They give you 30 minutes (or so) for each section (plus a 'mystery' section which makes me think that I would rather have mystery meat than mystery questions) with 25 questions. That is a little more than a minute per question and that was so unrealistic that it made the “theory of evolution” look viable. I started to flip out a little more. Some very good friends talked me down a little bit and told me (many times) that I’ve already overcame and accomplished a lot. I really did have a problem with thinking that anything I do is just NOT enough. Again, you can blame genetics, the devil, my parents, or me for it. I had convinced myself that, regardless of how unsure I felt, I needed to go to law school. I was impatiently waiting for God to bring to pass the dream He told me about so I thought I would just help Him out by taking care of it myself. That's why it was a God-send that the girls talked some sense in to me.

Fast forward to meeting my pastor’s wife at the church to head to Mustang the night I was looking at law schools to go to camp meeting. I picked up a Pentecostal Herald (August 2008) and I typically read this from cover to cover. So I started with the editorial. I highlighted. A lot. God really spoke to me about this problem I have with myself and not thinking I am good enough (all caps is MY emphasis):

"Are my feelings the evidence of forgiveness?" Again the answer is no. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" Jer. 17:9. If we trust the misleading suggestions of our heart, we will be driven either to arrogant smugness or UTTER DESPAIR. Our feelings will lie to us. Our heart will tell us all is well when all is not well. Or it WILL CONDEMN US WHEN GOD HAS FORGIVEN US. 53 days after Peter denied Jesus three times, he preached the gospel. The spot where he stood up with the other apostles and preached on the Day of Pentecost is a 10 minute walk from where he told a girl that he did not know Jesus. Wicked king Manesseh repented and God forgave him. IF GOD FORGAVE ISRAEL'S MOST WICKED KING WHEN HE REPENTED, HE WILL FORGIVE YOU.

By not thinking I am doing enough or good enough (or my biggest problem: smart enough) I was sinning against God. My heart had deceived me and I failed to see God's promises in the Bible. God loves me because of who I am (Deut. 7:7 seems to be my life verse).

Then I read “Global Impact is The Least We Can Do” where Bro. Haney asked people to adopt the attitude that you only have ten years to live and then the trumpet will sound. Ask yourself how you will live and what your vision would be and what you would do.

So I thought all the way to Mustang...what WOULD I do? I want to help as many people as possible find God, and those that already know Him I want to help them find their way to their called ministry. But at the risk of jumping the gun (again) I wanted confirmation.

The sermon of the night was over Jacob finding out that Joseph was still alive and he said (more or less) it is enough that he is alive and I want to see him. The central focus was not letting your dream die. When Joseph disappeared, Jacob thought he was dead because his other sons made it look like it. He was going to mourn for the rest of his days. Once he found out Joseph was alive he wanted to see him before he died.

Here's the central message that came to ME. Joseph's brothers stripped him after they shoved him into the pit where he could not get out. They stripped him of what made his SPECIAL. This convinced his father he was dead. This is much like how the devil will strip us (me) of decisiveness and tell us that our dream is gone and confuse us.

Today I am feeling like Jacob! I am going to see this come to pass and God told me what would come to pass. The word vision was used several times last night. This was not just through reading in the Pentecostal Herald, but during the sermon too. Jacob had a drive and a vision that he could die happy if he could just see his son. He went from comatose and mourning to packing up the wagon and saying, "Let's go, boys!" over night. It took Peter only 53 days to preach the gospel. So I was looking through my Bible because the word vision kept reverberating in my head. I came to Proverbs 29:18:

Where there is no vision, the people perish but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

I finally know what I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be doing just what I've been doing: encouraging others to keep going and find what they are supposed to do for the Kingdom of God! It is much easier now that I have confirmation and encouragement. I knew I was supposed to write, but I just couldn’t bring myself to just jump ship and do it. I am, by God’s gift and grace, an encourager and a writer. I am that kick in the behind that people (like me) so desperately need so they can jump in to their God given ministry.

I want to formally announce the name of my ministry (I would say new ministry but it isn't new.. I've been doing it all along!!): Vision Ministry. The goal is the first part of Prov. 29:18 and I will be helping people find answers to the questions Bro. Haney posed.

Glory to GOD I've found my way! Now let’s go and find your way, too. I’m not qualified for this according to the standards imposed by the world. My degree isn’t in English, writing, or psychology. My worth isn’t held in a piece of paper. It is held by the Most High. Your worth is in the Most High. What are YOU supposed to be doing? I’m here to push you toward it.